Is it your husband's stubborn refusal to open up? Your wife's bizarrenotion that dusting the top of the TV is more important than sex? Orperhaps it's meddling in-laws, clingy kids and demanding bosses whohave a stranglehold on you and your spouse?

I must have been the exact idiot author Dr. Paul Coleman had in mindwhen he wrote about “your inner announcer calling the play-by-play” andhow the thoughts you have about the relationship when you're away fromit affect what happens when you come together.

I've often said that every relationship has three dimensions: the onein your head, the one in your partner's head and the one that everybodyelse would see if Nora Ephron made it into a movie.

But what's not quite as obvious is how the part in one person's brainaffects the other two. As a longtime student of human behavior, I'veobserved firsthand what countless studies prove — nonverbalcommunication is more powerful than speaking, and tone of voice hasmore impact than the words themselves.

The words coming out of your mouth might be, “Anything you say, dear.”But if your actual thoughts are more along the lines of, “Here we goagain — another round of your negative, asinine behavior, Mr. Mountainof Toenail Clippings On My Good Couch,” that's the message yourpartner's going to take away.

You might think you're being as nice as you can with that sugar-sweetvoice, but as any shrink or talk show host will tell you, your thoughtsare being revealed by your tone and body language whether you like itor not.

And if your brain interprets your spouse's every look as a glare andviews his or her every action through the filter of “here comes thatevil witch again,” you're hardly on the road to a more intimaterelationship.

Coleman identifies four pathways to greater intimacy with the one youlove: thought, talk, touch and togetherness. Many of us may beconvinced that lacking the last three is the root of all our problems,but Coleman eloquently makes the case that our thoughts are always theprecursor to success in those other areas.

Women usually want more talk, while men often complain that there's notenough touch. And overworked, stressed-out couples everywhere know thatwhen togetherness constantly takes such a backseat to kids and jobs,nobody's happy.

But how many of us consider the mental track in our own minds whenwe're craving a closer connection? Yes, men would be better off if theylearned that talking about feelings enhances relationships and avoidingemotions only shuts things down. And yes, women should learn to acceptthat a husband's desire for sex is often his way of expressing hisheartfelt love.

Yet how we respond to our partner's requests for talk, touch ortogetherness all depends on our own frame of mind at the time. Ourinternal dialogue creates the environment all our spouse's actionsenter.

Imagine her clueless, hard-working hubby eagerly coming home to a wifewho'd spent three days stewing about his faults. The scene would bepathetically laughable if so many other husbands across America —including mine — weren't experiencing the same thing.

Talk, touch and togetherness require time and effort from both sides,but changing your internal dialogue is something you can do on your wayhome from work this week.

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